Honestly, I’m not happy at all. I try to be happy, but I can’t stand this feeling anymore. I smile, joke around, and laugh, but it’s all a sham. I don’t want to lie to myself anymore, but I don’t want to burden others with my problems. I feel like I’m failing everyone, my parents, my family, my friends, and myself. It feels like I always let these people down and that they hate me for it, I hate myself for it. I hate my life right now, I want to be happy. Now, is that so much to ask for?
I was walking around in a Target store, when I saw a cashier hand this little boy some money back.The boy couldn’t have been more than 5 or 6 years old.The cashier said, “I’m sorry, but you don’t have enough money to buy this doll.”Then the little boy turned to the old woman next to him: ”Granny, are you sure I don’t have enough money?”The old lady replied: ”You know that you don’t have enough money to buy this doll, my dear.”Then she asked him to stay there for just 5 minutes while she went to look a round. She left quickly.The little boy was still holding the doll in his hand.Finally, I walked toward him and I asked him who he wished to give this doll to.“It’s the doll that my sister loved most and wanted so much for Christmas. She was sure that Santa Claus would bring it to her.”I replied to him that maybe Santa Claus would bring it to her afterall, and not to worry.But he replied to me sadly. “No, Santa Claus can’t bring it to her where she is now. I have to give the doll to my mommy so that she can give it to my sister when she goes there.”His eyes were so sad while saying this. “My sister has gone to be with God. Daddy says that Mommy is going to see God very soon too, so I thought that she could take the doll with her to give it to my sister.”My heart nearly stopped.The little boy looked up at me and said: “I told daddy to tell mommy not to go yet. I need her to wait until I come back from the mall.”Then he showed me a very nice photo of him where he was laughing. He then told me “I want mommy to take my picture with her so she won’tforget me. I love my mommy and I wish she doesn’t have to leave me, but daddy says that she has to go to be with my little sister.”Then he looked again at the doll with sad eyes, very quietly.I quickly reached for my wallet and said to the boy. “Suppose we check again, just in case you do have enough money for the doll?”“OK,” he said, “I hope I do have enough.” I added some of my money to his without him seeing and we started to count it. There was enough forthe doll and even some spare money.The little boy said: “Thank you God for giving me enough money!”Then he looked at me and added, “I asked last night before I went to sleep for God to make sure I had enough money to buy this doll, so thatmommy could give it to my sister. He heard me!”I also wanted to have enough money to buy a white rose for my mommy, but I didn’t dare to ask God for too much. But He gave me enough to buy the doll and a white rose.”“My mommy loves white roses.”A few minutes later, the old lady returned and I left with my basket.I finished my shopping in a totally different state from when I started. I couldn’t get the little boy out of my mind.Then I remembered a local newspaper article two days ago, which mentioned a drunk man in a truck, who hit a car occupied by a young woman and a little girl.The little girl died right away, and the mother was left in a critical state. The family had to decide whether to pull the plug on the life-sustaining machine, because the young woman would not be able to recover from the coma. Was this the family of the little boy?Two days after this encounter with the little boy, I read in the newspaper that the young woman had passed away.I couldn’t stop myself as I bought a bunch of white roses and I went to the funeral home where the body of the young woman was exposed for people to see and make last wishes before her burial.She was there, in her coffin, holding a beautiful white rose in her hand with the photo of the little boy and the doll placed over her chest.
I left the place, teary-eyed, feeling that my life had been changed forever.. The love that the little boy had for his mother and his sister
is still, to this day, hard to imagine. And in a fraction of a second, a drunk driver had taken all this away from him.
Yesterday, I went to the CNE with my brother and a couple of our cousins. It was good quality time with great people and all my favourite things, food, shopping, free stuff, and midway games. While it was all good fun, I learned something about myself that I don’t like at all.
Considering that all my cousins and my brother are 18+ and allowed to play the gambling games on the midway, I said why not. I changed in $10 at first and never looked back. I guess they thought I was 18+ too since I wasn’t asked for ID haha. Anyways, we were playing at the ‘over/under 7’ roulette game and I was winning mad money, like doubling my money, sometimes tripling. I quit while I was ahead and left the table with $30, which is pretty good considering I started with $10. So we walked around, ate, and checked out the shops for the next couple hours. Then we ended up back on the midway going to win more money, or lose it.
The second time around was, let’s just say, different. We played at the ‘Crown & Anchor’ roulette game this time. I cashed in another $10 and started playing. It was up and down, but I eventually lost that $10 in a matter of 5 minutes or so. Then I remembered the 30 loonies in my wallet, bad idea. I started doubling, tripling my bets, up to $5, or the max bet at these games. I was losing every time, but something was telling me that the next one would be the one. I would keep betting, sometimes winning, mostly losing. I was down to my last $5 of betting money. I went all in and lost it.
I was so disappointed in myself, not because I lost $40 gambling, but because I was so stupid to keep going. My family has a lot of issues and gambling is one of them. We just don’t know when to stop. I’m starting to think I inherited this ugly trait. That’s one off the list, now all I have to worry about is alcoholism, diabetes, and heart disease :S. Well I guess it’s better I know now than later. But it wasn’t a bad day at all and I wouldn’t mind doing it all over again, even if it means losing $40 again :).
My parents are on board with me moving out to California after college. :)
But I either have to support myself or take them with me >.<”.
It’s all good I have 3 years or so to get my stuff together. I hate begging for help, but my titas, titos, and cousins out there love me so I’m hoping they can help me out. It would be so much better if I moved out there with friends! :)
…you start listening to music from years, heck, decades ago.
Lately, I’ve been listening to more 90s and 80s music over the stuff that’s played now. I’m not doing it to be vintage or cool, but it’s just that most music today is repetitive and the same recycled garbage over and over again. Be it hip-hop, rap, R&B, soul, reggae, alternative, rock, or pop, music back then had substance. Don’t get me wrong I do like listening to today’s music too, but it just doesn’t compare to what music used to be.
I’m only 17 and sometimes I feel old haha. Maybe this whole thing is just a part of growing up. The nostalgia of the good old days before life got difficult. Wanting to go back to an easier time and using music as an escape from reality now.