It has been a long couple of days. I shall write about it later. I’ve also noticed my tumblr has been pretty drab and depressing lately. Hopefully that changes soon because I’m beginning to forget how to be happy and what happiness feels like.
I was taking a nap when my dad got the call, lola (grandmother in Filipino) was gone. She died late Wednesday morning. I expected crying and an outpouring of emotions, but nothing. Everyone seemed alright, like nothing happened. I wasn’t sure how to feel or if I should feel anything at all. So we continued life as normal.
My dad decided to call his sister, whom he and his brothers are not in good terms with. What was meant to be a civilized and mature conversation turned into an ugly screaming match that brought up issues from over 20 years ago. My dad’s sister, my aunt, is the one who took charge of all the funeral arrangements, without consulting the rest of the family, and with this new wound to an already battered family, I’m not even sure if we’ll be going to lola’s funeral at all. My two uncles have already said their piece and they have already made a decision to not go to the funeral and I feel my dad is going to do the same. What is worst is that they bring the kids, my cousins and I, into this. I confronted my dad today, the first time I ever yelled at him out of anger. Instead of getting better, this family has only gotten worst with the death of my lola.
I never got to know you well. I grew up without you here. For most of my life, you were only a voice over the phone and the occasional picture or two. I was able to get through life without you, but why do I feel this way now?
I met you for the first time 6 years ago, when you decided to migrate to Canada from the Philippines to be closer to your family. But instead of bringing us closer together, it only opened old wounds and pitted us against each other. I regret never taking the time to get to know you better. The time for that has passed. You are gone from us now and our family is left in shambles. Conflicts have not been resolved and even in our time grief, we are yelling and placing blame on each other. I’ll be praying for you, Lola, and I’ll be praying for this family. I never got to say a proper goodbye and I will regret this for years to come.
Although I never got to show you, I have a great deal of respect for you. Despite what my uncles believe, I know you loved us all even if you never got to properly show us. I cherish the little time I got to spend with you. No words can express what I feel right now. I will miss you Lola. May you rest in peace.
My dad came home and starts yelling at us for mentioning our dying grandmother and her condition to other people. He doesn’t want us to tell anyone and wants us to just keep it to ourselves. His explanation is because he doesn’t want to invite anyone to the viewing or funeral. I understand that he doesn’t want it to become tsimis, or gossip, but seriously what’s wrong with other people knowing.
At this time we need support and, for me anyways, I’m not getting any support from people in this house. I had to tell some people, so I could deal with this. I can’t stand this tension and conflict among my aunts, uncles, and my parents. A couple of my friends are the only ones that are helping me at this point.
This family is plagued with selfishness. They are only thinking about themselves and not about anyone else. They’re all fighting like kids, like grow the fuck up you’re all in your 50s and 60s already and it’s still like this. They don’t think it affects my cousins and I, but it does and they fail to see that. Above all, it hurts my grandmother even more to see what has become of this family in her final hours.
I woke up this morning to my dad screaming into his phone. It is the call we have all been dreading, my grandmother is ready to go and be with our Lord. The call came from my uncle-in-law, as my dad is not on speaking terms with my aunt, his sister. He told us to make our last visit today at their house in Mississauga. My dad, my mom, and my brothers are the only ones that are going. My uncle, my dad’s brother, is still holding onto the past. He is unable to let go and doesn’t even care that his own mother is dying and is not even making the effort to go today.
I want to go, but my parents find that me going to work is more important. There’s something messed up with this family’s priorities. Family may not come first to them, but it does to me. I don’t care that we have been estranged for years, we are still a family and that’s that.
Seriously, you’ve been trying for the past 2 years to no avail. Nothing has happened, what makes you think it will change now. I know we’re bros and everything, but isn’t it about time you just back off and stop being an annoying little prick and suck it up. Expand your horizons, or think outside the box maybe. I’ve tried helping you. I’ve been your wingman, but I think your time is up bro. Sure I’m breaking the ‘bro code’, but I ain’t Neil Patrick Harris.
I took my graduation photos today and it hit me like the bus hit that bitch in Mean Girls, I’m graduating high school in six months. I remember taking my ninth grade picture like it was yesterday. I remember being the scared little niner freshman getting lost going from class to class. Now I’m here as a high school senior, done with my applications for college, paying my prom deposits, and applying for student loans. I haven’t felt this afraid, happy, anxious, and excited, since I set foot in my high school, 4 years ago. High school was amazing, but I’m ready to take on bigger and better things.
My mom has been wanting for the family to go ‘home’ for ages. I’ve been wanting to go too and I’ve saved up enough for a ticket and a good amount of spending money. For my brother and I, it will be our first time going, ever. Sure, we went when I was a baby, but I don’t remember a thing and going now would be like going for the first time. I really hope it happens this year. I hope 2011 is the year I arrive ‘home’.